Who I Am Hates Who I've Been (Jervis x Reader)
by Shan Kyohaku
Summary: Jervis knows that he is not sane in everyones eyes. Hell, he knows he's not sane and he regrets the things that he has done all because of Wonderland, all because of a non-existent Alice. But now that he is getting treatment in Arkham, he feels that he is ready to take on reality but he refuses for you to visit him at all. (One-Shot)


It's funny how you've known a person for so long and never even realize that he was cracking on the inside ever so slowy until one day he just bursts without warning. I mean that's what happened with Jervis, a prime example of such a thing. Maybe there are others out there who are going through what he is, maybe not wonderland but in any case, just done with reality. I've known Jervis since grade school and I'm possibly the only good friend he has, sad, I know, but none of that should be on him to blame. He was just an eccentric child that no one understanded, didn't even bother to understand, which turned him to the misunderstood. Yes, Jervis wouldn't be considered the most handsome, what with his over bite that (in anyone else's opinion) he was cursed with, his short stature, and his love of Wonderland. I guess people get tired of not knowing what he's talking about, or know what he's talking about and are sick of the refrences. I just hope that when people see the news about Jervis or the Mad Hatter, that they take the time to realize that he wasn't born crazy, he wasn't born wanting to cause harm, but that it was the sane ones who had pushed him to his breaking point. So if you think about it, the sane people are crazy and Jervis is just a victim. If anyone were to know my thought process they would think of three things:

1.) I, myself am crazy, which is why I am friends with Jervis.

2.) I'm only finding ways to get the blame off him in order to protect him.

And

3.) I'm probably just looking for attention which I don't know how or why, though this is the most popular choice with whatever I do.

I'm dealing on how to live life without Jervis, since he's in Arkham. Unfortunately I too have not many friends because of Jervis. I hate the way that sounds but it's somewhat true. Even if I did have other friends, I'd still be in this depressing state that I am. Jervis is locked up for about two more months. He was sentenced to stay for five years, three more due to not fulfilling his previous sentence, but because of good behavior, cooperation with the GCPD, and the fact that they're thinking he's coming back to being sane, he only had to serve three years. We write letters to each other instead of me visiting him, how he said that he didn't want me to see him there, to remember how he was...

Dear Y/N,

Hopefully you're having a frabjuos day and hopefully, you reading this letter won't bring you down. I'm fine if you're wondering. Lucky for me my other friends are in here too, Edward and Jonathan.

Edward, or The Riddler as you might know him, is a bit of a whiner.(:D) He's always going on about him being sane and how everyone else are "low level, dimwitted, hairless monkeys" I sometimes confuse him for Dormouse and Jonathan for March Hare.

Jonathan is a bit...distant and cruel sometimes, but I believe it's Scarecrow who's doing that. He likes to read! But not much of Lewis Carroll...

They said that they're planning to escape like the last time I was here but I noticed something. Wonderland is not real. And that I'm probably sick. I've hurt people and because of that I'm stuck here for god knows how long (I didn't really pay attenion at my sentencing hearing, probably awhile). If I continue my ways, then there is a chance that my freedom will be eaten by a jaberwocky, so I decided to actually finish my sentence in order to come back home and hopefully, if you don't feel as if you need to stay away from me, you can help me to recovery.

I don't want to be stuck here forever and never be able to see you, my beautiful friend. If you're suffering from my absence (which I think there is no point to feel anything for me) then I wish to heal you when I return.

With love and regret,

Jervis

P.S. Do not try to visit me in Arkham. That is my only wish that I want you to fullfill. It might be hard but we'll get through this.

And so I did. We kept exchanging letters in which I keep reading in between the lines his feelings for me that do not exist. I continued on working and being alone but I always refer to his letters to have any company. His last letter sent me on a high, saying that he's leaving earlier then he should. A smile on my face never left and all I could think of was Jervis.

Now here I am, waiting outside of the Arkham gates for him to leave. Nervous yet excited. My hands deep in my coat pockets layered in sweat. In the distance I see two men walking, one shorter than the other. When they arrive at the open gates, the other man in a security uniform turns and leaves. Jervis wearing a light blue sweater vest on top of a white dress shirt with a small red bowtie. His dark blue trousers are accompanied with his dirty brown shoes. I smile at the fact that he's right in front of me. I walk steadily towards him then jog until I'm in his arms. "I've missed you. It's been too long." I said.

"It has Y/N." He said softly, arms right around me.

I pulled away from him and looked into his light, friendly, blue eyes. "Well, what do you want to do as your first day as a free man?"

"Right now, I just want to walk. I need the air."

"Alright, anywhere in particular?"

"No, we'll go wherever are feet take us." Jervis then smiled at me which caused my heart to warm. I smiled back and draped my arm around his, taking steps away from the asylum.

As we walked in the chilly November air, some people stared at us while others pay no mind. We then felt hunger strike within ourselves and stopped by a cart that served hotdogs near the park. We took a seat at a nearby bench and watched others walk their dogs, play catch with their children, and other activities. It was strange to feel this happy in Gotham.

I swung my feet back and forth since they can't reach the ground and broke the silence by asking Jervis a question "Why didn't you want me to visit you in Arkham?" I looked at my hotdog as I took a bite.

Jervis turned and looked at me with a look of un-expectancy. He swallowed the bit that was in his mouth and waited a few moments until he responded "Well, like I said in my letters, I didn't want you to see me as another mentally unstable person in their. I didn't want you to see me in my lowest point, and I especially didn't want to see the disappointment in your eyes." It went quiet as he looked down, his blonde hair covering his pale face. There was no emotion on my face when he shyly looked at me. All I thought was how bad I felt for him.

"Did you also not want me to come because of how dangerous it is in their?"

Jervis chuckled at this, his large teeth showing and said "Most definitely as to why I didn't want you to come. Far too dangerous for me to let you visit, didn't want you to get hurt." The sun setted ever so slowly, it's rays hitting us.

"I found out my problem. Everytime reality has pounded me into the ground, it makes me think how much I long to leave this place, and that's when I lose my marbles. I do terrible things and hurt so many people..." he sighs placing his head in his palms. "like that Alice girl and her...fiance." Jervis then looks at me with such a sad look "I really am sorry for all the things I've done and the terrible things I put people through." Jervis then rubs his eyes with his hands. "Oh, how I hate myself for it."

"Well you're out and your aren't the same person when you woke up this morning and you've changed several times throughout your stay in Arkham so their seems to be no use into dwelling on such things." Jervis then looked at me, tears at the rim in his eyes, he went silent for a moment causing me to think I had said something wrong and then a sudden look of realization struck his face.

"My goodness, you're right Y/N! There is no use in moping and feeling like crum!" His hands then went to my shoulders staring at me with a broad open smile. Jervis then gave me a tight hug and stayed like this for awhile, digging his head into my hair.

"Come, you must be starving, it's late and we haven't had dinner or tea!" Jervis stood and pulled me up from the bench, holding my hand on our way out of the park. I hid my smile at this from Jervis.

.~.~.~.

After dinner we walked around Gotham in the dark with it's city lights gleaming. Even though it was far too dangerous to do this, we wanted to celebrate and either way I felt safe with Jervis since low level petty criminals shouldn't mess with a use-to-be rouges gallery criminal. We came back to my apartment, my feet tired of the continuous yet beneficial walk. "Well that was frabjuos day we've had, haven't we?" Jervis said as I locked the door. Is he still suppose to be saying things from that book?

"It has." I turned to look at him. "Let me go get you a pillow and blanket for you."

With a charming smile he replied "Of course." He sat down at my ruggid looking couch.

When I returned I gave him the items and helped him to set up the couch to make it more comfortable. "I found an old pair of pajamas in my closet from when you last stayed over." I lied. I used his pajamas for comfort wearing them sometimes.

"Thank you." As soon as we finished with setting up for bed I bid Jervis a goodnight.

"I'm going to go to bed now, I have work in the morning. Here's the remote to the television." I drew closer to Jervis and looked down at him with a small smile on my face. "I hope you do know how much I missed you and how glad I am to see you back." My fingers then got entangled in his surprisingly smooth hair. I leaned down to kiss him on the cheek. "Goodnight Jervis."

I left to my bedroom and fell on my bed. I drifted to sleep from this tiring yet joyful day.

.~.~.~.~.

I stirred from my slumber when I felt something...stroking me. My eyes fluttered open, feeling dazy. I then caught notice of a shadow right near me. Startled I sat up and backed away from it. "Sshhh, calm down my sweet, it's just me." With the minimal light from my window, I could make make out who It is.

"J-Jervis? What are you doing? Its," I turned to look at the glowing green numbers at my nightstand, "3 in the morning. Were you not able to sleep." What was on his head made me curious.

"Oh you could say that, my dear." Jervis said reaching for my hand and holding it.

"What's that on your head Jervis?" I asked calmly.

"Nothing of importance dear Y/N, just sleep." And that's when everything went hazy. I felt light headed and my eyes felt droopy. My head hit the pillow as I fell back to sleep.

.~.~.~.

It smelled. And it was freezing. My vison was all black and I felt something rough around my wrists. I moved my body around to feel what else was restrained.

"Oh! She's awake!" Footsteps could be heard coming towards me. "Go on, take off the blind fold!" Jervis said in an eager tone. When I was able to see there was a man walking away from me wearing a bunny mask that was unpleasant. "Leave now, I wish not to see you no more." The burly looking man left the small ramshackled rotting room.

Across from me was Jervis with the biggest smile on his face and his hands clasped together in joy.

"I'm so glad you could attend this wonderful tea party Y/N! I've been longing for you to join me." Jervis walked toward my end of the table that was cluttered with teapots and tea cups, cakes, cookies, and other things that looked as if they weren't safe to eat. Jervis's hand went my cheek staring at me with content and...obsession.

"J-Jervis, w-what's going on?"

"Now Now Y/N, you know better, it's Mad Hatter and there is no need for you to be frighten."

"I'm not frighten, just...confused." I looked him in the eye to make him believe me.

Jervis gave a wide smile removing his hand from my cheek and spreading them in the air. "Why, you're just in time for tea! I prepared everything just for you!"

"F-for me?!" I replied startled at this.

"Yes!" Jervis then walked around the table gliding his hand on the surface. "You see, when I got out of that horrid place, I thought I was 'cured' by my little obsession but then when I saw little old you it clicked, and then when you spoke!" Jervis gasped. "Oh! When you spoke it was a dream come true! I then knew that I have found my Alice!" He rushed towards me on his knees and grabbed my hands. "You've been very sneaky dear, hiding from me for so long, I almost thought you didn't exist!"

"I-I'm your Alice?" my shaky voice let out. His hand went up to my face ghosting his touch. I leaned in trying to feel his gloved hands.

"Of course. I honestly didn't know why it took me this long to figure it out." His eyes showed love and compassion. "My spirit would have died if I didn't found you sooner. Oh dear! Where are my manners? Leaving you all tangled up like this while having a conversation." The smallest pout went to his face as he stood and put his hands on his hips. Jervis untied my restraints. I stood up as well and looked at him. Without him even noticing I gave him a hug wrapping my arms around him in a tight squeeze.

"Now I know for sure you are my Alice. You haven't ran away." His hands were at my waist looking at me with those clear blue eyes.

"Why would I run away? We are having tea remember." I said with a smile on my face. We let go of each other but held hands.

"Of course, let's get to it shall we?" Jervis grew a giant smile his over bite showing more than usual. Holding on to his hand, I stopped Jervis from going any further.

"Jervis, just...wait." Jervis turned to me with a look of concern, probably afraid of me changing my mind on all this. Coming nearer to him, I looked him in the eyes and said with a small smile "Just never change." Nervously I gave him a small peck on the corner of his lip. Heat rose to his face with blush on both cheeks since he's never been kissed before. Wide confused eyes looked at nothing but then fell on me. Quickly, without me noticing, he stole a kiss onto my lips and smiled down at me, his arm wrapped around my waist while my hand on his chest.

"Of course my dear. Anything for you."

-  
A/N: *throw up sounds* the ending's junk but i guess that's what happens when trash writes it.


End file.
